Here is anther of my letters on the French
Love, Sex, Marriage And Morals
Love, sex and marriage are three different words and, for the French, three separable concepts. In England the three go together, or at least they are supposed to. In France this may also happen, indeed does increasingly so in recent times, but that has been less the case than in England. A result of the more liberal view of the French is that the English tend to regard the French and France as inherently romantic and sexy. The French view of the English in such matters is much less flattering, words such as staid and inhibited that come to mind, but perhaps reliable and loyal do too. Certainly French women seem very sexy to most English eyes, the more so that their sexiness seems often to be unconscious rather than contrived.
Marriage as primarily a practical rather than romantic arrangement has been and still is prevalent in many parts of the world, particularly the muslim world but the muslim world does not concern us here. In England it has been largely contained within high society, the powerful and wealthy combining their power and wealth. Less well-off people generally didn’t have much that could be combined for economic strength so there was less basis for economic arrangements. In France the practice seems to have extended much further down among the classes, particularly among peasants with small-holdings: adjacent small-holdings could make a sizeable farm or vineyard.
In England transgression often caused scandals in high society that were relished by the lower classes but accepted as part of high society, good for headlines in scandal sheets but a matter for them, not, us. The prevailing quasi Calvinist morality made the consequences of transgression much more onerous for the middle and lower classes. George Bernard Shaw remarked that only the middle classes have morals: the rich don’t need them and the poor can’t afford them. In France a practically arranged marriage was not to be allowed to preclude a good love and sex life, so if the marriage did not provide these they could legitimately be sought elsewhere. If that meant transgression then so be it. The Catholic church in France had a role in this. With divorce not possible, there had to be a way to re-arrange a bad arrangement. Sex might be something of a problem as sex was the means by which the church sought to control people, but there was always confession. This attitude is epitomised in the French “, 5 to 7”, the hours when bourgeois French businessmen stereotypically visited their mistresses after leaving work and before returning home for dinner with the family. The French could/would not be denied be denied their “right” to enjoy life, their whole reason for living.
Family is considered important in both French and English cultures but, I think, possibly more emphatically so in France. When my children were young France was always a favourite holiday destination a child-friendly country. Children seemed to be welcomed everywhere and included in all activities. This was sometimes the case in England but not always so. And French couples, if they divorce, seem to do so less often than their English counterparts when their children are young. Providing the children with a stable and happy upbringing is considered more important than resolving marital issues, which can be left to when the children have become adults and are better able to deal with the consequences.
Within all this in France the most important watchword is discretion. Privacy laws in France are much stricter than in England. Much of the contents of English scandal sheets would immediately provoke legal action in France. Even so, and despite more liberal attitudes to marriage and sex, relationships are expected to be carried out with discretion. Mistresses are not flaunted and the French are quite as able as the English to see what is thrust under their noses. But in France relationships are rarely subjected to public investigation and speculative prudery as they can often be in England. Discretion is the word.
Prudery exists in both countries but Calvinism primarily in England. In France, if two people get together and have sex that is their affair (literally) and should not concern anybody else. In England, if the affair becomes known, it is almost certain to be subjected to moral judgements, public or private. To he English, sex is a matter of morals. To the French it is simply a fact of life and may have little moral significance..
